I will wait for you.

I guess this is an update from the previous post.


Walking back to my car in Boston last night, I was texting with my best friend. He's my go-to, late-night talk, get things off my chest person. So appreciated. In this instance we were going back and forth talking about our standards, mainly for the people we'd date. We both have pretty high standards. I sort of thought about what my life might have been like had I not discovered, even before I considered myself a Christian, that I have pretty high standards and pretty conservative morals, especially for myself. 


I know what I consider right and wrong, and I have pretty high expectations, more for myself than others, but for others as well. I would feel badly if my standard of morality came off as offensive, though it comes from a place of genuine concern, not of judgement. I want and expect a lot out of myself and those I am close to, because I want the best for myself and the best for them. 


In the sense of morality, I often feel disappointed by the actions of others. I just want so much more for people and when they so willingly slip, it kills me. Most of my friends know that there are few things that are absolutely unacceptable to me, the black-and-whites in my moral code. 


I have never, and do not smoke cigarettes. I despise everything about them. My father has smoked since he was a teenager, and still does. My mother did off and on, and now pretty consistently does. I remember a bathroom my father used to smoke in in my first home, and how the wallpaper gradually changed from white and black to yellow and black. I have witnessed several people I'm close to develop health problems from it, including a close friend and my own father. I simply cannot fathom how, in 2012, knowing all that we know about side effects, smart people still choose to smoke. It absolutely kills me to see friends doing so because all I can think of is how much it's hurting them and how much I would  hate to see them hurt. 


I have never, and do not smoke marijuana. I've heard all the arguments about how it's not as bad as drinking, how it's not addictive, and how it doesn't do any harm - I am not convinced, nor does it change my opinion. I see no purpose, and in more cases than not (at least from the experience of those I've encountered), it leads to more. I've seen family who have been "not addicted" but have gone from a promising future, to a tough life. I've seen family of friends who started out with this "non-harmful" drug, and have ended up addicted to much more harmful drugs and even homeless. And I've seen promising students and teenagers become distant, uncaring, and unfocused. Not worth it.


I have not, and will not have sex without a wedding ring and a husband. I'm realizing how rare this is, and how this above all is most important to me. I have had students ask me, "Miss Hughes, do you practice chastity?" My answer is always, "yes." And they are consistently shocked. A twentysomething, young, single female, how could this be? Like the other examples, I can simply not imagine myself acting any differently. I never want to share the most intimate of feelings with someone, and have to regret it. I don't want to make it to my wedding night and have memories of anyone else. Is it a challenge? Of course. I think that makes it all the more worth doing. 


These are my top three of things that make me crazy. Not in a judgmental way, and I hope my hate for the action, does not come off as hate for the person. Many, many people that I love have broken these three moral pillars for me, and I love them just the same. That will not change. 


I know I have high standards of morality, I know it's rare, and it's not going to change. I think that it's so overwhelmingly important that young Catholics show the world that our way of life is possible, and is enthusiastically livable - I am consistently happy. I think one of the most powerful tools is joy. Happy people make more happy people. I think back to the focus of the Gospel this Sunday, as it is the feast of his nativity - John the Baptist. His focus and joy for Christ were clear, beginning from his leap in his mother's womb at the mere proximity of his savior. The passage from Matthew's Gospel detailing John's appearance - 


John wore clothing made of camel’s hair
and had a leather belt around his waist.
His food was locusts and wild honey.


always gets me. He looked CRAZY, and ate bugs, and people listened to him because what he was saying was true and he meant it. I often feel as if people look at me like my life style is CRAZY. I only hope that the joy and meaning I have found in it make it appealing. 

In the sense of dating, I have pretty high standards. I will not settle. I am open to growth in a person, but a heart for God and for people is a non-negotiable. My discussion of "standards" with my best friend reminded me of a video that I originally saw when Lifeteen posted it. It is phenomenal, and titled "I will wait for you."

It features a young woman describing past relationship experiences, especially seeing others as "good enough" and thinking she could change them. She then goes on to describe how she is willing to wait for the right person and how she will know when she's found them. She says:

If I were to explain what you looked like, you would have to look like a star, a sun of the Son, I would gain energy simply from the light that you shine on me.

I would need you, in order to complete my photosynthesis.

I await your revelation but once again from the genesis,

I will wait for you...

And I will know you, because when you speak: 

I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,

your ability to lead will remind me of Moses, 

your faith will remind me of Abraham, 

your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel, 

your inspiration will remind me of Paul, 

your heart for God will remind me of David, 

your attention to detail will remind me of Noah, 

your integrity will remind me of Joseph, 

and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples, 

BUT your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of CHRIST.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, ‘cause His Word will be tattooed all over your heart.

And you will know me, and you will find me, 

where the boldness of Esther, 

meets the warm closeness of Ruth, 

where the hospitality of Lydia, 

is aligned with the submission of Mary, 

which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah, 

I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31... waiting for you.

It's so beautiful. Particularly the part that says, "His Word will be tattooed all over your heart." Remarkable. I hope that I live in a way that suggests God's Word is embedded in my heart. And how attractive is that? An individual with the Word tattooed on their heart. Imagine how you'd know that to be true - in the way they live, talk, treat others, and work. 

amen.

I'm willingly to wait for this. I will not settle. And my standards will not sink. And I'm not sorry.

Pursuit.

I just came home from watching Snow White and the Huntsman with my roommate. On the way home I was sort of complaining about the way it ended. For those who haven't seen this film yet, maybe skip the following sentences. After being revived by her "true love's kiss" (the huntsman), she goes to defeat the evil queen and is crowned the new queen in the end. The movie ends with her seemingly waiting for the arrival of the huntsman at her coronation. You can tell in glimpses a few scenes after her and the huntsman meet, that there will most likely be something more between them. Despite a childhood "love," the huntsman is her true match, and continues to follow and protect her. Though you can assume that they end up "together" in the end, they hardly show it. That's what made me disappointed, that they didn't show their "love." Leave it to me - go to an action-y, fantasy, fairy tale movie - and expect a happy, love-y ending. 

I came home thinking about why this made me so disappointed. Why do I always look for the love story in movies. Why do silly, sappy, unrealistic tales like Twilight suck me in?

Then it hit me.

I want to be pursued. 

I have been mulling over this idea of pursuit in the past few weeks with some friends. The idea that a woman should be pursued, but should shy away from pursuing. I used to hate this idea. The idea that a man gets to decide who he desires and that's all that matters. However, upon reflecting on my shallow attempts at "pursuit," they always seems to hurt me more than they help. 

I want to be pursued.

I think back to the female lead in these movies and stories. Edward is willing to give up everything to protect Bella. Everything he does is to make her happy. Logan walks across the country to find Beth, the subject of the photo that found him in Iraq. He thinks and schemes ways to win her favor, protects her from harm, and fights for her. And the huntsman leads Snow White through the dark forest, protects her from harm, realizes he is doing so because of love for her, then fights harder. Pursues harder. 

I want to be pursued.

I am sick of feeling like I'm flailing in the pool of self-pity and single-hood. I see others around me happily settling, starting lives, or at least feeling wanted. I often feel none of that. 

I sat with these feelings for a moment, and then felt foolish. I am pursued. I am constantly being pursued, and have been since I took my first breath. I have a king who has fought for me in every single moment of my life - joy, despair, difficulty, ease, and utter hopelessness. I have been fought for. But do I recognize it?

I have a king who desires me, all of me, and nothing short of that. Jesus has been fighting for my heart before I could logically form a thought. Against all the evil "kings and queens"  I have encountered in my short life here, Jesus has fought for my heart, and more importantly for my soul. This world and so many things in it have been uniquely designed for my favor, and I fail to recognize it. God sends me picturesque landscapes because he knows how it feeds my soul. He gives me music that inspires me. He lends me people who make feel loved and appreciated. He fights for my favor. 

I feel ashamed that I so readily turn it aside. I think that it is "not enough" because there isn't a simple ring on my left hand. If I am not pursued by humanity, then I must be flawed. 

I have to reject this thought. I have to learn to see it for the falsity it manifests. 

My worth, my value lie not in the favor of another human, but in the favor of my God and King. 

He pursues me at every second, every moment of my existence. My prayer tonight is that this is enough for me. And that I can feel the value in this eternal pursuit.