I was recently reflecting on a conversation I had with a good friend and coworker this past school year. I was reflecting with the 20/20 hindsight on a situation that I so could have used at that time. It's so easier to see mistakes when you've moved past them. In the midst of emotion, and often in the present, my vision is so readily blurred. How I wish I could see the present with the sense of clarity that comes after a situation is resolved.
I guess that's not my place - it's God's.
I can't expect to see the purpose, or the plan. However, I can discern the next step. I need to get better at that.
I want to sort of empty my mind of a situation - and I'm feeling like a cross between Eve at the Fall and small child. Not sure which is better.
I remember this conversation with a friend, coworker, and more importantly fellow Christian woman. I was explaining my frustration with a certain, shall I say, romantic interest. More specifically, I was frustrated with other's reactions or suggestions towards my course of action. This friend, who's opinion I trust more than others, was telling me that this person was not good for me. "Would you be proud to introduce others to this person? Knowing their reputation, would you want others to see you as 'together'?" We discussed the possibility of non-believers changing for their significant others, and whether or not that was even possible.
I struggled with that concept at the time - and honestly I'm not sure that I'm completely done struggling. How can I fault others for not having been exposed to Christ or at least to someone who would introduce them to Christ as I have been so lucky to have experienced in my life? Am I to write off each individual who did not believe like I do? If I met a version of myself, 10 years of ago, wouldn't I have been written off?
My friend explained to me that of course, we are called to love each individual - but that doesn't mean we are called to date them. Particularly if they have no relationship with God, or Christ. She explained that it was not good for me, or my soul, to put myself in this situation of vulnerability and risk.
I baulked against that idea. "But couldn't they change?" "Wouldn't my influence be enough?"
(I have since then realized, or really heard from a trusted priest, that we don't do the saving. Jesus does. My influence, my "good life" may not convert everyone. We must leave that up to God, in His own way, in His own timing. But back to my greater point...)
I made the argument to my friend that "just once, I'd like to be able to be in the situation to say - no, this person is not good for me, realize that, and end whatever was going on." I was so frustrated with the idea that the option was denied before it ever had a chance to develop. Who could tell me that a person was "not good enough for me"? When do I get to decide that for myself?
So I continued. Continued hoping for conversation, for change, for pursuit, for interest, for some sort of commitment. To me, to God, to something.
None of those things ever came. Ended before anything really started. Closure, and SO much hindsight. Coming so far from those captivating emotions - I really do realize, it would have never worked out.
And in fact, what my friend said was right, his lack of spiritual depth - his lack of Christ, really - would have been a breaking point, a detriment to my life. Who knows what my own soul would look like had anything developed. What would I give up?
I'm sure many have heard the relation of these want-but-can't-have situations to the image of a parent, or father, telling their child that despite their pleading, no they cannot touch that hot stove top, no they cannot play with that sharp knife. Despite how badly they wanted, asked, prayed for it - their parent would not give it to them, it would likely hurt them.
I realize now, somewhat shamefully, how childish my emotions and protest were. I think I knew deep down, that this situation was not good for me. I was challenged by these lyrics to the Jimmy Needham song "Clear the Stage":
Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
And anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol
And anything that I give all my love is an idol
If I was honest with myself, I couldn't stop thinking about this person, and I did want it to work - with all my heart.
I really was the child, begging, pleading, planning how I was going to get that knife - even though my parents, and friends had all told me it was dangerous. I knew better.
Well I didn't, and I don't.
I need to work on trust. I need to be less like Eve who reached for what was not hers to take, and more like Mary (the redemption of women, and a new Eve) who trusted in His plans for her life - despite lack of understanding, or her own will.
I heard in a witness at a women's retreat that at the heart of Eve's action, the grasp of the forbidden fruit, was a deep-seeded belief that God was not going to give her what she wanted and needed, so she decided to take matters into her own hands - quite literally. Satan made her believe that God was holding back, and really it was okay if she did what she desired. Regardless of the Divine Will.
Trust.
So hard for me, even though I would probably not have said that originally. Sometimes I think I trust others too easily, but I often second guess that trust. How can I not have that same ready trust towards GOD?
Childlike faith - not childISH faith.
I'm so thankful now that despite my begging and really whining - God still said, "No." Even though it was hard to hear, and not the result I'd hoped for. It was the answer I needed.
I have also realized that it is okay to discern an interest through the lens of, "Do they know Christ?" It's not just okay, it's essential. How dare I risk the soul that was purchased with Jesus' life? How dare I not hold out for the one that pursues me, and Christ alongside me?
Here's an anguished prayer for endurance to wait for that one.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
Year One.
SJP Year One. Over. What have I learnt?
1. I absolutely, wholeheartedly adore my students.
- Despite minor arguments and occasional disappointments, I am overwhelmingly blessed by phenomenal students. I am particularly infatuated with my freshmen, especially for their faith - faith in their school, faith in me, and above all Faith in God. I can't imagine the choice they made to come to a school that in all reality did not exist yet. They trusted a promise of success. What childlike faith on their (and their parents') parts, and what awesome responsibility for us to live up to that.
- I made it a point to record certain things that my students wrote that I found particularly insightful... one freshman, reflecting on Joseph's sons and an article on their blessing, wrote, "These events make us stronger and realize that things happen for a reason. It’s like God has more in store for us than we expect." I could list so many more examples. Like a senior, reflecting on the media, "The danger of relying too much on the entertainment industry is that without even realizing, people may start to believe what is presented to them."
- I just can't begin to express how lucky I am to be in the lives of so many exceptional young men and women.
2. I need to believe in my abilities more.
- I have never felt so valued in any other work environment. After 3 years as a full-time teacher, I finally feel like I'm doing more than treading water. Like I'm actually succeeding. I no where near where I want to be, but I finally feel like I am a decent teacher. That's a big step, I never am confident in my abilities. It is so complimentary to feel trusted, competent, and appreciated. I'm so looking forward to next year.
3. I'm learning what my limits are.
- I'm beginning to figure out just how much I can deal with from people (and situations) before I hit my limit. I trust easily, but at some point I need to "let go and let God." I think I'm figuring out what that point is. It's a weird line to toe between, "I need to help fix this," and, "This situation is in God's hands." I am reminded of the Romero Prayer that says,
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an
opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
I can be open to being "pencil in the hand of a loving God" (Mother Theresa), but no one can change until they make their own choice.
- I also feel that I'm learning my limits in over-scheduling myself. I cannot commit myself to everything - or everything will suffer. I'm learning to figure out where my heart is in the present moment, and giving myself all of that. Where do I feel most fulfilled? Given the choice, which option would I choose? In more cases than not, my heart is at school and with my students. I'm so thankful to have that clarity of mind and vocation.
4. In the same line of thinking, I have tried to get better at loving people where they are.
- People should be loved where they're at. It does not mean that we accept their faults and flaws, but it does mean we offer them support. Sometimes the best we can do for someone is just be a source of support and reflection of God's love. I have looked past flaws this year that I never thought I'd be able to. This has both helped me and made things more difficult. How do you love in a way that inspires someone to change? A question I'm still figuring out a good answer to.
5. Finally, aside from amazing students, I am blessed with phenomenal friends (many of whom are also coworkers).
- I am consistently supported by so many people, and often feel undeserving. In a number of ways, friends have been there for me throughout this year. I can think of those who's rooms and offices I've escaped to, or who's homes I've found comfort in. New and old, I have amazing friends.
Was this a stressful year? Yup.
Were there points when I wanted nothing to do with anyone? Yup.
However, the good far, FAR outweighs the bad. Growing pains, nothing more.
Despite drama and frustrations of others (and myself), I have adored this year. And I adore SJP.
1. I absolutely, wholeheartedly adore my students.
- Despite minor arguments and occasional disappointments, I am overwhelmingly blessed by phenomenal students. I am particularly infatuated with my freshmen, especially for their faith - faith in their school, faith in me, and above all Faith in God. I can't imagine the choice they made to come to a school that in all reality did not exist yet. They trusted a promise of success. What childlike faith on their (and their parents') parts, and what awesome responsibility for us to live up to that.
- I made it a point to record certain things that my students wrote that I found particularly insightful... one freshman, reflecting on Joseph's sons and an article on their blessing, wrote, "These events make us stronger and realize that things happen for a reason. It’s like God has more in store for us than we expect." I could list so many more examples. Like a senior, reflecting on the media, "The danger of relying too much on the entertainment industry is that without even realizing, people may start to believe what is presented to them."
- I just can't begin to express how lucky I am to be in the lives of so many exceptional young men and women.
2. I need to believe in my abilities more.
- I have never felt so valued in any other work environment. After 3 years as a full-time teacher, I finally feel like I'm doing more than treading water. Like I'm actually succeeding. I no where near where I want to be, but I finally feel like I am a decent teacher. That's a big step, I never am confident in my abilities. It is so complimentary to feel trusted, competent, and appreciated. I'm so looking forward to next year.
3. I'm learning what my limits are.
- I'm beginning to figure out just how much I can deal with from people (and situations) before I hit my limit. I trust easily, but at some point I need to "let go and let God." I think I'm figuring out what that point is. It's a weird line to toe between, "I need to help fix this," and, "This situation is in God's hands." I am reminded of the Romero Prayer that says,
We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an
opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
I can be open to being "pencil in the hand of a loving God" (Mother Theresa), but no one can change until they make their own choice.
- I also feel that I'm learning my limits in over-scheduling myself. I cannot commit myself to everything - or everything will suffer. I'm learning to figure out where my heart is in the present moment, and giving myself all of that. Where do I feel most fulfilled? Given the choice, which option would I choose? In more cases than not, my heart is at school and with my students. I'm so thankful to have that clarity of mind and vocation.
4. In the same line of thinking, I have tried to get better at loving people where they are.
- People should be loved where they're at. It does not mean that we accept their faults and flaws, but it does mean we offer them support. Sometimes the best we can do for someone is just be a source of support and reflection of God's love. I have looked past flaws this year that I never thought I'd be able to. This has both helped me and made things more difficult. How do you love in a way that inspires someone to change? A question I'm still figuring out a good answer to.
5. Finally, aside from amazing students, I am blessed with phenomenal friends (many of whom are also coworkers).
- I am consistently supported by so many people, and often feel undeserving. In a number of ways, friends have been there for me throughout this year. I can think of those who's rooms and offices I've escaped to, or who's homes I've found comfort in. New and old, I have amazing friends.
Was this a stressful year? Yup.
Were there points when I wanted nothing to do with anyone? Yup.
However, the good far, FAR outweighs the bad. Growing pains, nothing more.
Despite drama and frustrations of others (and myself), I have adored this year. And I adore SJP.
Friday, December 7, 2012
12/7/12
9 days until I have lived a quarter century. So many things I wanted accomplished in my life by now, and yet so many more things I have ambition to accomplish in time.
On account of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception falling on a Saturday this year, our school Mass today was based on the feast day of St. Ambroise rather than the Marian feast. The Gospel read this morning always catches me off guard, and contains one of my favorite lines in the New Testament.
Jesus is about to heal people, but first stops to ask them, "Do you believe that I can do this?"
It's so unexpected. Jesus knows he can do it, their belief in him does not make him any more or any less divine and capable of miracles. Yet he still asks.
Hearing this line again makes me think about the nature of prayer. When we pray, do we really believe that God has the power to change our circumstance? Or do we use prayer as a last-ditch effort to get what we want, but don't believe will actually happen? Do we pray on a whim, thinking, "Hey, it's worth a shot"?
I know I've certainly felt those ways before. I think it has part to do with our level of self-worth and part with how much we believe that God really is on our side and that he is really all-powerful. I know there are certain things that I constantly pray for, but in the back of my head there is the lingering voice of doubt. "Will this ever even happen?" "Am I praying correctly?" "Maybe, I'm not praying hard enough." "Does God even hear me?"
So many uncertainties, so much doubt.
Maybe an essential aspect of prayer that some of us miss, myself mostly, is the idea that we need to believe in what we are praying for. We need to envision that God will come to our rescue, that God does have our best in mind, and that he wills our happiness and fulfillment.
I have such a hard time believing that I am worthy of good and that God is hearing and working on what I'm asking of him (even if it's not the way I envisioned it).
I know there is one thing in particular that I pray hard for, I need to start really believing that it WILL happen. I try to imagine Jesus asking me the same question, "Lindsey, do you really believe that I can do this?"
"...Yes, Lord. I'm trying."
9 days until I have lived a quarter century. So many things I wanted accomplished in my life by now, and yet so many more things I have ambition to accomplish in time.
On account of the Feast of the Immaculate Conception falling on a Saturday this year, our school Mass today was based on the feast day of St. Ambroise rather than the Marian feast. The Gospel read this morning always catches me off guard, and contains one of my favorite lines in the New Testament.
Jesus is about to heal people, but first stops to ask them, "Do you believe that I can do this?"
It's so unexpected. Jesus knows he can do it, their belief in him does not make him any more or any less divine and capable of miracles. Yet he still asks.
Hearing this line again makes me think about the nature of prayer. When we pray, do we really believe that God has the power to change our circumstance? Or do we use prayer as a last-ditch effort to get what we want, but don't believe will actually happen? Do we pray on a whim, thinking, "Hey, it's worth a shot"?
I know I've certainly felt those ways before. I think it has part to do with our level of self-worth and part with how much we believe that God really is on our side and that he is really all-powerful. I know there are certain things that I constantly pray for, but in the back of my head there is the lingering voice of doubt. "Will this ever even happen?" "Am I praying correctly?" "Maybe, I'm not praying hard enough." "Does God even hear me?"
So many uncertainties, so much doubt.
Maybe an essential aspect of prayer that some of us miss, myself mostly, is the idea that we need to believe in what we are praying for. We need to envision that God will come to our rescue, that God does have our best in mind, and that he wills our happiness and fulfillment.
I have such a hard time believing that I am worthy of good and that God is hearing and working on what I'm asking of him (even if it's not the way I envisioned it).
I know there is one thing in particular that I pray hard for, I need to start really believing that it WILL happen. I try to imagine Jesus asking me the same question, "Lindsey, do you really believe that I can do this?"
"...Yes, Lord. I'm trying."
Monday, November 19, 2012
11/19/2011
The Lord will fight for you; you have only to keep still. (Exodus 14:14)
How hard it is for us to keep still. We are constantly in motion. Working, driving, cleaning, exercising, talking, spending our time. And when we aren't in motion we are connected to someone who is. Cell phone's, laptops, iPads, you name it, we've got it.
How rarely are we still?
How rarely do we sit with our problems and contemplate them, pray about them, before we act. We are so quick to fix, quick to restore, quick to comfort. We are so impatient. So quick to distrust in God's providence. We thrash and move and fight it when we feel things aren't going our way. Do we really believe that God is on our side?
I am the first one guilty of this. I am constantly restless, constantly worrying. In my busy life, where I know that my soul craves tranquility and peace, I find it so hard to be still. I'd rather work my way through a problem, than sit and wait on God.
Maybe he wants to teach us something in the story of the Israelites passing from slavery into freedom.
Maybe they've been so oppressed by their captors and so ready to run, that they believe that they have to keep fighting in order to be safe. With the Pharaoh and his men on the horizon, who wouldn't run? Who wouldn't fear? Who wouldn't distrust? We are so like Moses and the Israelites. Weighed down by the burdens of sin and fear, we sometimes simply can't believe that God fight will for us.
We sometimes take matters into our hands. Myself included. Similar to Eve, we stretch for things that we don't think God will give us. Were so fearful and distrusting sometimes.
We need to be still and wait on God. We need to trust that he is for us, and he will always come through for us.
amen.
The Lord will fight for you; you have only to keep still. (Exodus 14:14)
How hard it is for us to keep still. We are constantly in motion. Working, driving, cleaning, exercising, talking, spending our time. And when we aren't in motion we are connected to someone who is. Cell phone's, laptops, iPads, you name it, we've got it.
How rarely are we still?
How rarely do we sit with our problems and contemplate them, pray about them, before we act. We are so quick to fix, quick to restore, quick to comfort. We are so impatient. So quick to distrust in God's providence. We thrash and move and fight it when we feel things aren't going our way. Do we really believe that God is on our side?
I am the first one guilty of this. I am constantly restless, constantly worrying. In my busy life, where I know that my soul craves tranquility and peace, I find it so hard to be still. I'd rather work my way through a problem, than sit and wait on God.
Maybe he wants to teach us something in the story of the Israelites passing from slavery into freedom.
Maybe they've been so oppressed by their captors and so ready to run, that they believe that they have to keep fighting in order to be safe. With the Pharaoh and his men on the horizon, who wouldn't run? Who wouldn't fear? Who wouldn't distrust? We are so like Moses and the Israelites. Weighed down by the burdens of sin and fear, we sometimes simply can't believe that God fight will for us.
We sometimes take matters into our hands. Myself included. Similar to Eve, we stretch for things that we don't think God will give us. Were so fearful and distrusting sometimes.
We need to be still and wait on God. We need to trust that he is for us, and he will always come through for us.
amen.
Friday, July 6, 2012
clover and bees.
I've been meaning to write this for a while, so here goes.
Last Sunday I needed to absorb some sunshine, and given the state of the yard where my apartment is (see: covered by grape vines and leave, pretty but not conducive to sunlight), decided to head elsewhere. I drove over to Borderland in Easton, hoping for a patch of grass to lay a towel, read and listen to music. Once I got there I realized that I was the only one who was choosing to sunbathe in a field that day, go figure. I chose a spot at the bottom of a little hill, far away from the extended family that was picnic-ing.
I threw out my towel after finding some vaguely flat land, and after a few minutes started to read. I did my best to avoid the whirring and random buzzing of what I assumed to be flies. Well, let's just say I hate flies.
After doing my best to ignore, I couldn't anymore and chose to look around. Mistake. Bees everywhere. They are top 5 in bugs that terrify me. Never been stung before, no idea what it feels like, and what if I'm allergic. Needless to say I spent the next five minutes paranoid, staring at everything that moved, afraid to move to much, too stubborn to give up my afternoon of sunbathing so early.
I eventually lowered myself back down, put on some mellow, wordless music and went back to relaxing - eyes closed this time.
As I felt the heat, a cool breeze blew across me. Perfect timing, exactly what I needed. A simple sign of you're fine. Stop.
My notepad has been getting a lot of random use lately on my iphone, so I pulled it out and had to type what was running through my head.
"Realizing that every breeze is a concentrated gift from God.
Designed to relieve or renew us - whatever we most need.
As I lay sunbathing in a field of clover, terrified to receive my first bee sting, God relieves me with a cool breath-wind."
It was so profound at that moment for me to think that there is a God that determined at that moment - breeze. And it was perfectly, exactly what I needed. God willed it, it happened, it satisfied. How did he know? How did he see me? I didn't ask, how did I receive?
He simply knows my heart, all my needs before they are a word on my tongue, even a thought in my mind. And in that second - he relieved me.
Is it always that simple - desire and fulfillment? No. Sometimes it takes patience, determination, and will. But I like to think that God likes to see us happy, and a surprise along the way does just that.
I walked away an hour later bee-sting-less, a little tanner, and with total piece of mind (thanks to God, a towel, a book, and a little Sigur Ros).
Amen.
Last Sunday I needed to absorb some sunshine, and given the state of the yard where my apartment is (see: covered by grape vines and leave, pretty but not conducive to sunlight), decided to head elsewhere. I drove over to Borderland in Easton, hoping for a patch of grass to lay a towel, read and listen to music. Once I got there I realized that I was the only one who was choosing to sunbathe in a field that day, go figure. I chose a spot at the bottom of a little hill, far away from the extended family that was picnic-ing.
I threw out my towel after finding some vaguely flat land, and after a few minutes started to read. I did my best to avoid the whirring and random buzzing of what I assumed to be flies. Well, let's just say I hate flies.
After doing my best to ignore, I couldn't anymore and chose to look around. Mistake. Bees everywhere. They are top 5 in bugs that terrify me. Never been stung before, no idea what it feels like, and what if I'm allergic. Needless to say I spent the next five minutes paranoid, staring at everything that moved, afraid to move to much, too stubborn to give up my afternoon of sunbathing so early.
I eventually lowered myself back down, put on some mellow, wordless music and went back to relaxing - eyes closed this time.
As I felt the heat, a cool breeze blew across me. Perfect timing, exactly what I needed. A simple sign of you're fine. Stop.
My notepad has been getting a lot of random use lately on my iphone, so I pulled it out and had to type what was running through my head.
"Realizing that every breeze is a concentrated gift from God.
Designed to relieve or renew us - whatever we most need.
As I lay sunbathing in a field of clover, terrified to receive my first bee sting, God relieves me with a cool breath-wind."
It was so profound at that moment for me to think that there is a God that determined at that moment - breeze. And it was perfectly, exactly what I needed. God willed it, it happened, it satisfied. How did he know? How did he see me? I didn't ask, how did I receive?
He simply knows my heart, all my needs before they are a word on my tongue, even a thought in my mind. And in that second - he relieved me.
Is it always that simple - desire and fulfillment? No. Sometimes it takes patience, determination, and will. But I like to think that God likes to see us happy, and a surprise along the way does just that.
I walked away an hour later bee-sting-less, a little tanner, and with total piece of mind (thanks to God, a towel, a book, and a little Sigur Ros).
Amen.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I will wait for you.
I guess this is an update from the previous post.
Walking back to my car in Boston last night, I was texting with my best friend. He's my go-to, late-night talk, get things off my chest person. So appreciated. In this instance we were going back and forth talking about our standards, mainly for the people we'd date. We both have pretty high standards. I sort of thought about what my life might have been like had I not discovered, even before I considered myself a Christian, that I have pretty high standards and pretty conservative morals, especially for myself.
I know what I consider right and wrong, and I have pretty high expectations, more for myself than others, but for others as well. I would feel badly if my standard of morality came off as offensive, though it comes from a place of genuine concern, not of judgement. I want and expect a lot out of myself and those I am close to, because I want the best for myself and the best for them.
In the sense of morality, I often feel disappointed by the actions of others. I just want so much more for people and when they so willingly slip, it kills me. Most of my friends know that there are few things that are absolutely unacceptable to me, the black-and-whites in my moral code.
I have never, and do not smoke cigarettes. I despise everything about them. My father has smoked since he was a teenager, and still does. My mother did off and on, and now pretty consistently does. I remember a bathroom my father used to smoke in in my first home, and how the wallpaper gradually changed from white and black to yellow and black. I have witnessed several people I'm close to develop health problems from it, including a close friend and my own father. I simply cannot fathom how, in 2012, knowing all that we know about side effects, smart people still choose to smoke. It absolutely kills me to see friends doing so because all I can think of is how much it's hurting them and how much I would hate to see them hurt.
I have never, and do not smoke marijuana. I've heard all the arguments about how it's not as bad as drinking, how it's not addictive, and how it doesn't do any harm - I am not convinced, nor does it change my opinion. I see no purpose, and in more cases than not (at least from the experience of those I've encountered), it leads to more. I've seen family who have been "not addicted" but have gone from a promising future, to a tough life. I've seen family of friends who started out with this "non-harmful" drug, and have ended up addicted to much more harmful drugs and even homeless. And I've seen promising students and teenagers become distant, uncaring, and unfocused. Not worth it.
I have not, and will not have sex without a wedding ring and a husband. I'm realizing how rare this is, and how this above all is most important to me. I have had students ask me, "Miss Hughes, do you practice chastity?" My answer is always, "yes." And they are consistently shocked. A twentysomething, young, single female, how could this be? Like the other examples, I can simply not imagine myself acting any differently. I never want to share the most intimate of feelings with someone, and have to regret it. I don't want to make it to my wedding night and have memories of anyone else. Is it a challenge? Of course. I think that makes it all the more worth doing.
These are my top three of things that make me crazy. Not in a judgmental way, and I hope my hate for the action, does not come off as hate for the person. Many, many people that I love have broken these three moral pillars for me, and I love them just the same. That will not change.
I know I have high standards of morality, I know it's rare, and it's not going to change. I think that it's so overwhelmingly important that young Catholics show the world that our way of life is possible, and is enthusiastically livable - I am consistently happy. I think one of the most powerful tools is joy. Happy people make more happy people. I think back to the focus of the Gospel this Sunday, as it is the feast of his nativity - John the Baptist. His focus and joy for Christ were clear, beginning from his leap in his mother's womb at the mere proximity of his savior. The passage from Matthew's Gospel detailing John's appearance -
John wore clothing made of camel’s hair
and had a leather belt around his waist.
His food was locusts and wild honey.
always gets me. He looked CRAZY, and ate bugs, and people listened to him because what he was saying was true and he meant it. I often feel as if people look at me like my life style is CRAZY. I only hope that the joy and meaning I have found in it make it appealing.
It features a young woman describing past relationship experiences, especially seeing others as "good enough" and thinking she could change them. She then goes on to describe how she is willing to wait for the right person and how she will know when she's found them. She says:
Walking back to my car in Boston last night, I was texting with my best friend. He's my go-to, late-night talk, get things off my chest person. So appreciated. In this instance we were going back and forth talking about our standards, mainly for the people we'd date. We both have pretty high standards. I sort of thought about what my life might have been like had I not discovered, even before I considered myself a Christian, that I have pretty high standards and pretty conservative morals, especially for myself.
I know what I consider right and wrong, and I have pretty high expectations, more for myself than others, but for others as well. I would feel badly if my standard of morality came off as offensive, though it comes from a place of genuine concern, not of judgement. I want and expect a lot out of myself and those I am close to, because I want the best for myself and the best for them.
In the sense of morality, I often feel disappointed by the actions of others. I just want so much more for people and when they so willingly slip, it kills me. Most of my friends know that there are few things that are absolutely unacceptable to me, the black-and-whites in my moral code.
I have never, and do not smoke cigarettes. I despise everything about them. My father has smoked since he was a teenager, and still does. My mother did off and on, and now pretty consistently does. I remember a bathroom my father used to smoke in in my first home, and how the wallpaper gradually changed from white and black to yellow and black. I have witnessed several people I'm close to develop health problems from it, including a close friend and my own father. I simply cannot fathom how, in 2012, knowing all that we know about side effects, smart people still choose to smoke. It absolutely kills me to see friends doing so because all I can think of is how much it's hurting them and how much I would hate to see them hurt.
I have never, and do not smoke marijuana. I've heard all the arguments about how it's not as bad as drinking, how it's not addictive, and how it doesn't do any harm - I am not convinced, nor does it change my opinion. I see no purpose, and in more cases than not (at least from the experience of those I've encountered), it leads to more. I've seen family who have been "not addicted" but have gone from a promising future, to a tough life. I've seen family of friends who started out with this "non-harmful" drug, and have ended up addicted to much more harmful drugs and even homeless. And I've seen promising students and teenagers become distant, uncaring, and unfocused. Not worth it.
I have not, and will not have sex without a wedding ring and a husband. I'm realizing how rare this is, and how this above all is most important to me. I have had students ask me, "Miss Hughes, do you practice chastity?" My answer is always, "yes." And they are consistently shocked. A twentysomething, young, single female, how could this be? Like the other examples, I can simply not imagine myself acting any differently. I never want to share the most intimate of feelings with someone, and have to regret it. I don't want to make it to my wedding night and have memories of anyone else. Is it a challenge? Of course. I think that makes it all the more worth doing.
These are my top three of things that make me crazy. Not in a judgmental way, and I hope my hate for the action, does not come off as hate for the person. Many, many people that I love have broken these three moral pillars for me, and I love them just the same. That will not change.
I know I have high standards of morality, I know it's rare, and it's not going to change. I think that it's so overwhelmingly important that young Catholics show the world that our way of life is possible, and is enthusiastically livable - I am consistently happy. I think one of the most powerful tools is joy. Happy people make more happy people. I think back to the focus of the Gospel this Sunday, as it is the feast of his nativity - John the Baptist. His focus and joy for Christ were clear, beginning from his leap in his mother's womb at the mere proximity of his savior. The passage from Matthew's Gospel detailing John's appearance -
John wore clothing made of camel’s hair
and had a leather belt around his waist.
His food was locusts and wild honey.
always gets me. He looked CRAZY, and ate bugs, and people listened to him because what he was saying was true and he meant it. I often feel as if people look at me like my life style is CRAZY. I only hope that the joy and meaning I have found in it make it appealing.
In the sense of dating, I have pretty high standards. I will not settle. I am open to growth in a person, but a heart for God and for people is a non-negotiable. My discussion of "standards" with my best friend reminded me of a video that I originally saw when Lifeteen posted it. It is phenomenal, and titled "I will wait for you."
It features a young woman describing past relationship experiences, especially seeing others as "good enough" and thinking she could change them. She then goes on to describe how she is willing to wait for the right person and how she will know when she's found them. She says:
If I were to explain what you looked like, you would have to look like a star, a sun of the Son, I would gain energy simply from the light that you shine on me.
I would need you, in order to complete my photosynthesis.
I await your revelation but once again from the genesis,
I will wait for you...
And I will know you, because when you speak:
I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom,
your ability to lead will remind me of Moses,
your faith will remind me of Abraham,
your confidence in God’s Word will remind me of Daniel,
your inspiration will remind me of Paul,
your heart for God will remind me of David,
your attention to detail will remind me of Noah,
your integrity will remind me of Joseph,
and your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples,
BUT your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of CHRIST.
But I won’t need to identify you by any special Matthews or any special Marks, ‘cause His Word will be tattooed all over your heart.
And you will know me, and you will find me,
where the boldness of Esther,
meets the warm closeness of Ruth,
where the hospitality of Lydia,
is aligned with the submission of Mary,
which is engulfed in the tears of a praying Hannah,
I will be the one, drenched in Proverbs 31... waiting for you.
It's so beautiful. Particularly the part that says, "His Word will be tattooed all over your heart." Remarkable. I hope that I live in a way that suggests God's Word is embedded in my heart. And how attractive is that? An individual with the Word tattooed on their heart. Imagine how you'd know that to be true - in the way they live, talk, treat others, and work.
amen.
I'm willingly to wait for this. I will not settle. And my standards will not sink. And I'm not sorry.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Pursuit.
I just came home from watching Snow White and the Huntsman with my roommate. On the way home I was sort of complaining about the way it ended. For those who haven't seen this film yet, maybe skip the following sentences. After being revived by her "true love's kiss" (the huntsman), she goes to defeat the evil queen and is crowned the new queen in the end. The movie ends with her seemingly waiting for the arrival of the huntsman at her coronation. You can tell in glimpses a few scenes after her and the huntsman meet, that there will most likely be something more between them. Despite a childhood "love," the huntsman is her true match, and continues to follow and protect her. Though you can assume that they end up "together" in the end, they hardly show it. That's what made me disappointed, that they didn't show their "love." Leave it to me - go to an action-y, fantasy, fairy tale movie - and expect a happy, love-y ending.
I came home thinking about why this made me so disappointed. Why do I always look for the love story in movies. Why do silly, sappy, unrealistic tales like Twilight suck me in?
Then it hit me.
I want to be pursued.
I have been mulling over this idea of pursuit in the past few weeks with some friends. The idea that a woman should be pursued, but should shy away from pursuing. I used to hate this idea. The idea that a man gets to decide who he desires and that's all that matters. However, upon reflecting on my shallow attempts at "pursuit," they always seems to hurt me more than they help.
I want to be pursued.
I think back to the female lead in these movies and stories. Edward is willing to give up everything to protect Bella. Everything he does is to make her happy. Logan walks across the country to find Beth, the subject of the photo that found him in Iraq. He thinks and schemes ways to win her favor, protects her from harm, and fights for her. And the huntsman leads Snow White through the dark forest, protects her from harm, realizes he is doing so because of love for her, then fights harder. Pursues harder.
I want to be pursued.
I am sick of feeling like I'm flailing in the pool of self-pity and single-hood. I see others around me happily settling, starting lives, or at least feeling wanted. I often feel none of that.
I sat with these feelings for a moment, and then felt foolish. I am pursued. I am constantly being pursued, and have been since I took my first breath. I have a king who has fought for me in every single moment of my life - joy, despair, difficulty, ease, and utter hopelessness. I have been fought for. But do I recognize it?
I have a king who desires me, all of me, and nothing short of that. Jesus has been fighting for my heart before I could logically form a thought. Against all the evil "kings and queens" I have encountered in my short life here, Jesus has fought for my heart, and more importantly for my soul. This world and so many things in it have been uniquely designed for my favor, and I fail to recognize it. God sends me picturesque landscapes because he knows how it feeds my soul. He gives me music that inspires me. He lends me people who make feel loved and appreciated. He fights for my favor.
I feel ashamed that I so readily turn it aside. I think that it is "not enough" because there isn't a simple ring on my left hand. If I am not pursued by humanity, then I must be flawed.
I have to reject this thought. I have to learn to see it for the falsity it manifests.
My worth, my value lie not in the favor of another human, but in the favor of my God and King.
He pursues me at every second, every moment of my existence. My prayer tonight is that this is enough for me. And that I can feel the value in this eternal pursuit.
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