trying to touch a hot pan...

I was recently reflecting on a conversation I had with a good friend and coworker this past school year. I was reflecting with the 20/20 hindsight on a situation that I so could have used at that time. It's so easier to see mistakes when you've moved past them. In the midst of emotion, and often in the present, my vision is so readily blurred. How I wish I could see the present with the sense of clarity that comes after a situation is resolved.

I guess that's not my place - it's God's.

I can't expect to see the purpose, or the plan. However, I can discern the next step. I need to get better at that.

I want to sort of empty my mind of a situation - and I'm feeling like a cross between Eve at the Fall and small child. Not sure which is better.

I remember this conversation with a friend, coworker, and more importantly fellow Christian woman. I was explaining my frustration with a certain, shall I say, romantic interest. More specifically, I was frustrated with other's reactions or suggestions towards my course of action. This friend, who's opinion I trust more than others, was telling me that this person was not good for me. "Would you be proud to introduce others to this person? Knowing their reputation, would you want others to see you as 'together'?" We discussed the possibility of non-believers changing for their significant others, and whether or not that was even possible.

I struggled with that concept at the time - and honestly I'm not sure that I'm completely done struggling. How can I fault others for not having been exposed to Christ or at least to someone who would introduce them to Christ as I have been so lucky to have experienced in my life? Am I to write off each individual who did not believe like I do? If I met a version of myself, 10 years of ago, wouldn't I have been written off?

My friend explained to me that of course, we are called to love each individual - but that doesn't mean we are called to date them. Particularly if they have no relationship with God, or Christ. She explained that it was not good for me, or my soul, to put myself in this situation of vulnerability and risk.

I baulked against that idea. "But couldn't they change?" "Wouldn't my influence be enough?"

(I have since then realized, or really heard from a trusted priest, that we don't do the saving. Jesus does. My influence, my "good life" may not convert everyone. We must leave that up to God, in His own way, in His own timing. But back to my greater point...)

I made the argument to my friend that "just once, I'd like to be able to be in the situation to say - no, this person is not good for me, realize that, and end whatever was going on." I was so frustrated with the idea that the option was denied before it ever had a chance to develop. Who could tell me that a person was "not good enough for me"? When do I get to decide that for myself?

So I continued. Continued hoping for conversation, for change, for pursuit, for interest, for some sort of commitment. To me, to God, to something.

None of those things ever came. Ended before anything really started. Closure, and SO much hindsight. Coming so far from those captivating emotions - I really do realize, it would have never worked out.

And in fact, what my friend said was right, his lack of spiritual depth - his lack of Christ, really - would have been a breaking point, a detriment to my life. Who knows what my own soul would look like had anything developed. What would I give up?

 I'm sure many have heard the relation of these want-but-can't-have situations to the image of a parent, or father, telling their child that despite their pleading, no they cannot touch that hot stove top, no they cannot play with that sharp knife. Despite how badly they wanted, asked, prayed for it - their parent would not give it to them, it would likely hurt them.

I realize now, somewhat shamefully, how childish my emotions and protest were. I think I knew deep down, that this situation was not good for me. I was challenged by these lyrics to the Jimmy Needham song "Clear the Stage":
Anything I put before my God is an idol
Anything I want with all my heart is an idol
And anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol
And anything that I give all my love is an idol
If I was honest with myself, I couldn't stop thinking about this person, and I did want it to work - with all my heart.

I really was the child, begging, pleading, planning how I was going to get that knife - even though my parents, and friends had all told me it was dangerous. I knew better.

Well I didn't, and I don't.

I need to work on trust. I need to be less like Eve who reached for what was not hers to take, and more like Mary (the redemption of women, and a new Eve) who trusted in His plans for her life - despite lack of understanding, or her own will.

I heard in a witness at a women's retreat that at the heart of Eve's action, the grasp of the forbidden fruit, was a deep-seeded belief that God was not going to give her what she wanted and needed, so she decided to take matters into her own hands - quite literally. Satan made her believe that God was holding back, and really it was okay if she did what she desired. Regardless of the Divine Will.

Trust.

So hard for me, even though I would probably not have said that originally. Sometimes I think I trust others too easily, but I often second guess that trust. How can I not have that same ready trust towards GOD?

Childlike faith - not childISH faith.

I'm so thankful now that despite my begging and really whining - God still said, "No." Even though it was hard to hear, and not the result I'd hoped for. It was the answer I needed. 

I have also realized that it is okay to discern an interest through the lens of, "Do they know Christ?" It's not just okay, it's essential. How dare I risk the soul that was purchased with Jesus' life? How dare I not hold out for the one that pursues me, and Christ alongside me?

Here's an anguished prayer for endurance to wait for that one.

Year One.

SJP Year One. Over. What have I learnt?

1. I absolutely, wholeheartedly adore my students.
- Despite minor arguments and occasional disappointments, I am overwhelmingly blessed by phenomenal students. I am particularly infatuated with my freshmen, especially for their faith - faith in their school, faith in me, and above all Faith in God. I can't imagine the choice they made to come to a school that in all reality did not exist yet. They trusted a promise of success. What childlike faith on their (and their parents') parts, and what awesome responsibility for us to live up to that.
- I made it a point to record certain things that my students wrote that I found particularly insightful... one freshman, reflecting on Joseph's sons and an article on their blessing, wrote, "These events make us stronger and realize that things happen for a reason. It’s like God has more in store for us than we expect." I could list so many more examples. Like a senior, reflecting on the media, "The danger of relying too much on the entertainment industry is that without even realizing, people may start to believe what is presented to them."
- I just can't begin to express how lucky I am to be in the lives of so many exceptional young men and women.

2. I need to believe in my abilities more.
- I have never felt so valued in any other work environment. After 3 years as a full-time teacher, I finally feel like I'm doing more than treading water. Like I'm actually succeeding. I no where near where I want to be, but I finally feel like I am a decent teacher. That's a big step, I never am confident in my abilities. It is so complimentary to feel trusted, competent, and appreciated. I'm so looking forward to next year.

3. I'm learning what my limits are.
- I'm beginning to figure out just how much I can deal with from people (and situations) before I hit my limit. I trust easily, but at some point I need to "let go and let God." I think I'm figuring out what that point is. It's a weird line to toe between, "I need to help fix this," and, "This situation is in God's hands." I am reminded of the Romero Prayer that says,

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an
opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.
I can be open to being "pencil in the hand of a loving God" (Mother Theresa), but no one can change until they make their own choice.
- I also feel that I'm learning my limits in over-scheduling myself. I cannot commit myself to everything - or everything will suffer. I'm learning to figure out where my heart is in the present moment, and giving myself all of that. Where do I feel most fulfilled? Given the choice, which option would I choose? In more cases than not, my heart is at school and with my students. I'm so thankful to have that clarity of mind and vocation.

4. In the same line of thinking, I have tried to get better at loving people where they are.
- People should be loved where they're at. It does not mean that we accept their faults and flaws, but it does mean we offer them support. Sometimes the best we can do for someone is just be a source of support and reflection of God's love. I have looked past flaws this year that I never thought I'd be able to. This has both helped me and made things more difficult. How do you love in a way that inspires someone to change? A question I'm still figuring out a good answer to.

5. Finally, aside from amazing students, I am blessed with phenomenal friends (many of whom are also coworkers).
- I am consistently supported by so many people, and often feel undeserving. In a number of ways, friends have been there for me throughout this year. I can think of those who's rooms and offices I've escaped to, or who's homes I've found comfort in. New and old, I have amazing friends.

Was this a stressful year? Yup.
Were there points when I wanted nothing to do with anyone? Yup.
However, the good far, FAR outweighs the bad. Growing pains, nothing more.
Despite drama and frustrations of others (and myself), I have adored this year. And I adore SJP.